Well. Again, I've managed to fall behind on my blog. I guess that's what happens when you get busy - things become harder to keep up with. Not that this matters much, I really doubt my thoughts and words are important to anyone but myself. Anyway, I've become full time at work and we're getting new ships in so it's been pretty gosh durned busy up hurr in deez purtz herpderpyderp..but in all seriousness. I'm finally full time and getting better pay and more vacation time earned. That's really all my life is these days is work though. A vacation is coming up here soon though, only another day of work and I'll be free for a week. I'll be heading back over to Pensacola to spend time with my grandma and others for my birthday. It's one of the few good things I have to look forward to lately. I don't get to see the rest of my family as much as I would like, but every now and then is far better than never. Apart from this, there has been no major changes in my life. My anxieties and mental fog are kind of the same. I'm getting better at not being so gloomy at work - it's hard being a cashier when all your job consists of is being fact to face with lines of people. I still often feel like I'll crawl out of my skin or puke my heart right out onto the counter for some miserable stranger to stare at. It's not easy but I'm slowly figuring out ways over time to cope with it. Funny, I've run out of things I care to share now. I know there's more but the motivation to write is lost and so I will just call it a night. To who? Who knows. As usual, my words are lost into nothingness. One day I'm not going to be so damn lonely. One day, my words will mean something to someone..I will not hold my breath.
In other news, I have been in contact with my long lost baby brother. He sent me a letter with a photograph of himself. I am so happy that I've been given the chance to get to know him. I went and bought him a bunch of gifts that I've yet to get around to mailing. It's taking me some getting used to emotionally, this sudden addition to my family. I'm a pretty elusive person - the way I type it might be hard to believe, but I tend to hide away and it's hard for me to let people in sometimes. It's something I've been trying to work on all my life, I'm getting better but it's still a challenge and sometimes I catch myself still trying hard to avoid closeness. There's a lot of pain that comes with new relationship with my brother too which is where the challenge comes in for me this time. We are siblings through my biological father and he's not such a great man. I hate to say it, but I absolutely despise the guy. Part of me wishes I had nothing in my life to remind me of the guy and to focus only on the man who took me in as his little girl knowing we weren't blood related - but another part feels obligated to know and take care of my baby brother now to make up for such a worthless father that has somehow managed to leave behind some kind of emotional scarring on the both of us. All I know is that I've sworn to make the best effort I can to help us both to learn to forgive and move on...AND WOW, that came out so melancholy.
Well - I should probably force myself to go get some shut eye, I have an early day tomorrow filled with customer service galore. We all know how fun THOSE days can be. Hehe..ugh. I guess I should be grateful though, for Christmas, I got thrown back into the main building that I used to work since not enough cashiers were there to get through it...and those customers were just terrible. I absolutely do not like being a cashier during Christmas...on that note...I might fall asleep in a better mood now.