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 Well. Again, I've managed to fall behind on my blog. I guess that's what happens when you get busy - things become harder to keep up with. Not that this matters much, I really doubt my thoughts and words are important to anyone but myself. Anyway, I've become full time at work and we're getting new ships in so it's been pretty gosh durned busy up hurr in deez purtz herpderpyderp..but in all seriousness. I'm finally full time and getting better pay and more vacation time earned. That's really all my life is these days is work though. A vacation is coming up here soon though, only another day of work and I'll be free for a week. I'll be heading back over to Pensacola to spend time with my grandma and others for my birthday. It's one of the few good things I have to look forward to lately. I don't get to see the rest of my family as much as I would like, but every now and then is far better than never. Apart from this, there has been no major changes in my life. My anxieties and mental fog are kind of the same. I'm getting better at not being so gloomy at work - it's hard being a cashier when all your job consists of is being fact to face with lines of people. I still often feel like I'll crawl out of my skin or puke my heart right out onto the counter for some miserable stranger to stare at. It's not easy but I'm slowly figuring out ways over time to cope with it. Funny, I've run out of things I care to share now. I know there's more but the motivation to write is lost and so I will just call it a night. To who? Who knows. As usual, my words are lost into nothingness. One day I'm not going to be so damn lonely. One day, my words will mean something to someone..I will not hold my breath.

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 That blurry, foggy, autopilot mode is back. I keep finding myself in these really insane mood swings. From neutral/sad to absolutely angry in a matter of seconds. Even more claustrophobic in the presence of others than usual too. No vitamins are doing the trick. I figured maybe I'm lacking something. Asking for help or confiding in others hasn't done a bit of good. I've been so wound tight these past few days that I've made quite a bit of enemies too (pretty impressive for someone who doesn't have much to do with other sacks of flesh to begin with.) I've left my house over my days off a total of once and that was today during a storm for a burger. Not sure what's happening. I often find myself contemplating on it but I go from caring to not caring as quickly as I go from calm to pissed. On and off, on and off, on and off, on and off. Part of me says get help, another part says it would be pointless. I'll still be the same worthless temporary wave of energy navigating this body through the exact motions. I'm lost.
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 Well it is now officially January 1 2014! Happy New Years everyone and may your goals come true this year. It's hard to believe that yet another whole year has passed. It almost seems like the year 2013 didn't even happen at all! Well, I wasn't able to really celebrate much since I've had to work yesterday and also today but at least I got to observe a bunch of fireworks from my backyard. I just love fireworks - but the noise makes it hard to want to sleep..like I should be doing as I type. <shifty eyes> I guess with the new year comes the motivation to leave all the negativity and failures of the previous year far behind and try to start brand new...I plan to try and get in that same mindset as well. Keyword: Try. I've been contacted for a job I've been tirelessly trying to get, so I'm hoping this will be a taste of the good new start! Unfortunately, my current job has decided to cut our hours so bad that I'm mostly scheduled for four hour days now..not sure why they even bother scheduling me at all if that's the case since I'll earn just enough to go back and forth to work everyday. Well - let's keep our fingers crossed! A customer kind of got me motivated to be positive...she told me life's too short for telling myself I hope things happen all the time...that I need to tell myself it WILL happen. Well. I'm sure things are going to straighten out soon, I've just got to keep trying and not let myself feel so defeated.

In other news, I have been in contact with my long lost baby brother. He sent me a letter with a photograph of himself. I am so happy that I've been given the chance to get to know him. I went and bought him a bunch of gifts that I've yet to get around to mailing. It's taking me some getting used to emotionally, this sudden addition to my family. I'm a pretty elusive person - the way I type it might be hard to believe, but I tend to hide away and it's hard for me to let people in sometimes. It's something I've been trying to work on all my life, I'm getting better but it's still a challenge and sometimes I catch myself still trying hard to avoid closeness. There's a lot of pain that comes with new relationship with my brother too which is where the challenge comes in for me this time. We are siblings through my biological father and he's not such a great man. I hate to say it, but I absolutely despise the guy. Part of me wishes I had nothing in my life to remind me of the guy and to focus only on the man who took me in as his little girl knowing we weren't blood related - but another part feels obligated to know and take care of my baby brother now to make up for such a worthless father that has somehow managed to leave behind some kind of emotional scarring on the both of us. All I know is that I've sworn to make the best effort I can to help us both to learn to forgive and move on...AND WOW, that came out so melancholy. 

 

Well - I should probably force myself to go get some shut eye, I have an early day tomorrow filled with customer service galore. We all know how fun THOSE days can be. Hehe..ugh. I guess I should be grateful though, for Christmas, I got thrown back into the main building that I used to work since not enough cashiers were there to get through it...and those customers were just terrible. I absolutely do not like being a cashier during Christmas...on that note...I might fall asleep in a better mood now. 

 

Entry I

Dec. 5th, 2013 12:45 am
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Well, this site was recommended to me by a friend and I thought I may just give this website a try. I am not a creative writer nor do I usually have much of anything too interesting to say but maybe this will be a good place to unleash some of my thoughts and maybe even give me a space to vent. I'm not social so I don't ever ge the chance to get these things out of my head much! Right now I am just lurking the web and playing a little bit of World of Warcraft. I kinda suck at this game seeing as my attention is close to non existant. xD So hard for me to sit down and focus for extended periods of time, I don't know how so many people get so addicted that it is all they do. I should actually be trying to force myself to sleep. I've been trying to get a job with Vistakon and they've finally called me back for my second interview - so excited!! I will only go in to my current job from 1:30 until 4...it will be a fairly short day for me. I'm thinking about drinking a super huge ice coffee to make sure my day goes by super fast. Wish me luck!

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